I’ve been reading a lot about toxic people and toxic relationships lately. Cause my life was full of ‘toxic’ people. After kicking them out and starting fresh, I was sure never to let them in my life again. But I just keep attracting them…
I had a huge lesson to learn…
What could this lesson be? I kept reading about toxic people but I had to stop. Although I want to know as much as possible about how to deal with toxic people. I just couldn’t anymore. As an empath I can feel the writers emotions, and they are always resentful, irritated, hurt, or overpowered. I can’t find a single article that expresses love for toxic people. Even if they write neutral or positive, I can still feel the resentment of the hurt that’s caused to them. So I hope this doesn’t count for me too.
I realised toxic people aren’t toxic. They might be toxic to you, but somebody else might have no problems with them. They could even like them, love them or even have a healthy friend – or romantic relationship! So no, people are not toxic. The thing is… they are toxic for you! The reason? There is unresolved trauma in you, there is a part of you that needs love, a part of you that needs to be seen.
Toxic people trigger your deepest wounds. Let’s say narcissists (I do hate that word but I’ll just use it for the sake of it) are so good at manipulating you, making you feel guilty, disrespect you, abuse you,… so on so on.
Kick them out of your life! They are not worth it! Is what your friends will tell you
Seriously? Is that the way you all think?
The abuse, disrespect, guilt? This is all YOU. Not that it is your fault that he/she behaves like that. But you are the one feeling the guilt, shame, taking the blame, disrespecting yourself! You feel not good enough, you feel unloved, you feel… like a little child fighting for daddy’s or mommy’s love. And whatever you do, you just don’t get it…. You can’t get the love you want!
Do you have to kick them out of your life and blame them for hurting you? Well if you are so hurt that it makes you dysfunctional, then yes. Or take some time apart. But otherwise… use them! Use them to see what hurts you, what part of you needs healing. And use them to learn to set boundaries! Toxic people are your masters. They will show you where your deepest fears and pains are hidden. It’s easy to kick them out of your life. You won’t be triggered again, but then again, somebody else will… the law of attraction will keep mirroring that unhealed part.
But I love and give so much and he/she doesn’t even have a heart!
Let me tell you this: the only reason why they are hurting you, abusing you, manipulating you, attacking you… is because they are extremely hurt and extremely broken. They are in a huge amount of pain. They can not have any small bit of confirmation that they are not worth it. Everything you say or do, or don’t say or don’t do, will confirm them you don’t really love them. They never felt loved, and they feel extremely worthless. They can’t give you love because they have no love for their own. That is why they keep sucking your energy, they have none. They need your love to survive…. They use several techniques that they aren’t even aware of themselves, it’s their coping mechanism that has taken over. They literally don’t know who they are. They create a loveable personality to the outside world so they will be loved. But in relationships, after a while it’s hard to keep the mask. Especially empaths will see right trough it. But they just can’t show their vulnerable side, they are convinced you will use it against them. The world is place full of pain of suffering. Full of people who are out there to hurt you… But deep down they want to be seen and loved for who they really are..
Let me say this.. these people are crushed and the only way to cope with the pain is to be their own coping mechanism. The only way they can survive is to feed of your love. They are the ones who need us the most! All they want is to be loved… Don’t we all?
But be aware…Don’t fall for codependency as a means of letting them know: I will do anything for you, I love you whatever you do, I will show you you are so worth it, every piece of you! It is really the sweetest you can do… But are you a true codependent who needs people to need you? And in that way you feel loved and satisfied? Are you a healer trying to heal them? Do you want to love them so they can see how beautiful they are and love themselves… and then will be thank you forever cause you kept believing in them? Or otherwise said: do you want them to appraise you? Show you gratitude? Meet your needs?
You will die from exhaustion, fighting for their love …
Then how to deal with them? You don’t. You deal with yourself. Only you are responsible for what you feel. It’s about you healing your trauma’s, seeing your triggers and loving yourself for everything that you are. It’s about respecting yourself and demanding respect. It’s about doing what you love and want and following your true bliss. It’s all about learning to love yourself. It’s being there for yourself and believing in yourself even when the person you love the most is breaking you down. It’s knowing that you are worth it. It’s knowing that you are your own best friend. It’s learning how to fill yourself with self love and shine it to the world. It’s about knowing your triggers, getting triggered, reacting like you want to, and still love yourself for it! It’s about seeing yourself, validating yourself and knowing you have the right to do exactly what you want to do and to feel exactly how you feel.
It is not about telling them how much they hurt you, it’s not about hurting them back, it’s not about trying to educate them, it’s not about healing them,… it’s letting them be exactly who they are, cause they deserve love for who they are right now. If they attack you or disrespect you, then know that it is not about you, even if they will direct it at you and blame you. It is not about you… it’s about them feeling invalidated, unloved, hurt, angry. And directing it to you. But the reason they behave like this is not about you, it’s about their triggers and trauma’s.
Blaming you is a way of projecting. Cause they can not, not at all, handle the fact that they were wrong. They can’t handle that kind of pain… they are too broken for that responsibility. That is why they can’t say sorry or admit fault. That would crush them. But it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. They love you more then anything in the world. It doesn’t look like it, but trust me, you are their safety net.
All they want is unconditional love, for who they are right now. It’s about loving them unconditional even when they disrespect you. But it’s also about you loving yourself unconditionally and setting healthy boundaries. And that doesn’t mean leaving them, getting angry, taking revenge, or not loving them. But about loving and respecting yourself. It’s all about you…. Seeing yourself, loving yourself, knowing your own value… and not taking others behaviours personally 😉
Most of us don’t even know our boundaries, or don’t even believe in boundaries cause we are all one. In this case… see boundaries as your feelings and honoring them. Do what makes you feel good and don’t do what makes you feel bad. Easy to say but hard to do! Most of us don’t want to hurt others.. and most people feel hurt when you give them a boundary. That’s because they don’t love themselves and they don’t know anybody who does. So actually you’ll be his/her ‘example’ how to love yourself.
If you are in a relationship with somebody who is toxic (to you), with the goal to be loved and meeting your needs, the fighting for love will kill you literally (it is truly toxic)! You will keep fighting till you exhaust yourself. And you still won’t get the love you are looking for. But the thing is: they have no love to give, they are broken, wounded and are starved. Asking them to give you love is like asking people who haven’t eaten in days to feed you. That is torture! And you thought they were torturing you? Think again 😉 But don’t get me wrong. They love you, they will love you like no one else does. Only they can’t show it, or give it. It’s about you knowing they love you, even if they hurt you like crazy… And although they wear masks.. they want to be seen… but they are too scared… they feel nobody will love them…
If you want to survive or be happy 😉 in these kind of relationships you have to love yourself. It’s about loving yourself so much you have enough to give and don’t need anything in return. It’s about giving the unconditional love to yourself! And shine!! Shining your light on to those who need it the most…
So if you want to know how to deal with toxic people? Stop reading about how to deal with them but start reading and learning about self love… and start shining 🙂
Keep shining loves