I never knew I had an NDE. I just knew what death would feel like. I could literally feel it. And it was terrifying. I always wondered why people could talk about death like: well it’s just the end. For me it was not the end. Death was total nothingness… Did they not know how it feels? It scared me to death (ironic right :p ). It is the most terrible feeling there is. Trust me… nothing can compare.
During my training as a Completion Process facilitator (Teal Swan’s CPCP Training) somebody told me I have a fear of dying. She didn’t know why she said it, but it just came, intuitively. She had to say it. She was right. I had a fear of dying, it terrorised me. But I suppressed it so hard that I even forget that I had this fear. The feeling of death and total nothingness got triggered a lot. But there were no predictable triggers, it just came up. The feeling of total panic and terror. I suppressed it and distracted myself as much as possible. But when it came up.. I was literally screaming, panicking and terrorisid.
I had a CP session on this fear. I was terrified doing this. For those who don’t know a CP session: it’s a technique of trauma healing called the completion process where you start from something that triggers you (a strong emotion) and relive the first time you experienced it but this time you control the situation.
I went into the feeling without feeling the fear, like part of me was numb. I wanted to feel the fear so it could heal, but it didn’t come. Going to the first time I felt this…. I had no idea this was an NDE… So I just let my feelings guide the way. My facilitator asked me: how old were you the first time you felt this? But the thing is: I did not have any age. I did not even exist. I was in a endless dark space. There was no left and no right, there was no up and down, under or above. There was no ground, and it didn’t even feel like floating, I could not feel any sensation, I had no body, I did not exist. Their was absolutely nothing. I was in a never ending dark space and I was totally completely alone. And this was eternity. Forever and ever this was what I would experience. This was death and this would always be. Nonexistence, nothingness, eternal.
My facilitator suggested me to look around, to go explore. It was all in my head, in my mind, so I could, I could do anything I wanted. I saw a white and red stair. The white stair would lead to the light. To heaven. To home. The red stair I don’t know. Maybe the red stair would have been earth and life. Cause I associate red with being grounded and earthy. Maybe the two stairs where literally the choice between life or death. But I didn’t know that during my cp. I didn’t take any stairs but I went to the safe haven (it’s a part of cp). My boyfriend came to save me out of the darkness and together we went to the safe space. Being with my boyfriend was the safest I could feel. It gave me huge relief, I was not alone anymore and being in eternity with him could never be hell but forever heaven.
After the session I kept asking: where the hell was I? Did I really experience death? And how could this then be a memory?
I asked Teal: do you know where I was? Apparently I was in the void. It is the place where you go to after dying when you don’t know whether to decide if you want to go back to life and continue to live or die and go back to the light. Minutes can feel like 100 years, it feels like eternity, it feels like hell. She said: ‘It’s hell, you were in hell’
No wonder this felt like absolute horror! But I kept wondering, when the fuck did I have a near death experience? I never almost died? So how was this possible? But then later.. I remembered, as a 3 year old child I was ‘dead’ for 2 minutes, I wasn’t breathing and had no heartbeat, just out of the blue… so I’m guessing it happened there.
I had a hard time believing that death would feel amazing. That you go back to source and feel total oneness. My feeling of death was the complete opposite. But now that I know where I actually was, and that it’s not death, I feel a sense of relief.
But still, I have to believe that death is not what I experienced. I have to believe that death is total oneness and love. But it’s hard to believe something you have never experienced.. So astral projection will be my next goal 😉