My life's updates

Give up on happiness

I feel like I’ve already lived a thousand years. Like several lifetimes squeezed into one.

Whole my life I’ve been hopping from relationship to relationship, hoping to finally find that one person that would make me happy! That would make me feel safe! That would make me feel loved!

And I did! But THAT made me freak out! What if I lose him? I became really clingy and demanding! Every little thing that could be prove that he didn’t love me made me go insane! ‘Oh no it’s happening again! He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care!

I made him responsible for how I felt! ‘You are my boyfriend so you are responsible for how I feel!’. That’s insane! What huge pressure to put on somebody? Making somebody the object of my happiness?? And my pain!!

And I tell myself: But it’s not like that, he is not responsible for my happiness, I just don’t want him to make me UNhappy, to hurt me!‘ But I keep getting those painful relationships, over and over and over again. So I just break up and go to the next one. But even being awakened, even being aware, I still end up in a painful relationship. It still hurts…

No, your lover can’t take your pain away! No your lover can’t take all your fears away! Instead, the more you love somebody, the bigger the fears!

I want him to listen to me, to take care of me, to talk to me, to share his feelings, to not get mad at me, to not get aggressive, to not be stoned, to not be drunk, to …. And the list goes on and on… And when they don’t follow my demands? That means they don’t love me!! And I’m in pain! But what a responsibility to put on them! There is no freedom, there is no air,… there is no love.

But does that mean they don’t love me? How do you know if somebody really doesn’t love you or that it’s just an interpretation?

I can stand up for myself and demand what I deserve! Or I can break up and go to the next guy. Cause the next guy (after 15 relationships) will be THE one who will love me to the extremes! And then… Then I will finally feel loved, then I will be happy.

Both don’t work.…Your pain will STILL be there… Your pain is in YOU and so is your happiness!

Today I realized… I can’t make a guy responsible for my happiness! I also can’t make him responsible for my pain! That is my feeling, that is how I feel,… And that’s not because of what he says, or what he does, or doesn’t do… That’s because my interpretation of what’s happening… It is my interpretation that is hurting me. It are MY thoughts about what’s happening around me that create how I feel…

I give up on making other people responsible for how I feel. I give up on finding happiness in other people. I surrender to the stream of life, without wanting to control anything.

I decided to make myself happy, to put myself responsible for how I feel. I will stop letting my interpretations control how I feel. I will know and accept, that the way people react towards me, has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with the fact they don’t love me, or I did something wrong, or I’m worthless, or…

It just means… they have feelings too… and they react too…

What if they are just having a bad day? What if they just can’t cope with their own feelings of shame and lash out? What if they just feel so hurt that they want to lay in bed all day? What if they just want to be alone and take a break?

What if…. it has nothing to do with you?? But with themselves?

So how about making a mess! Stop being perfect! Stop getting it all together and just walk the path of life. React, get mad, cry and do the most stupidest things. Let it happen… All those enlightened people in the world… you really think their life is perfect? That all those spiritual leaders are now in the perfect place of life? Having the perfect relationship?

They do have 1 thing in common: they all realized that your happiness does not depend on something outside yourself. Neither does pain… it’s all in you. And you can read that and think…. ‘yeah sure LOL!’ I used to think that… but now I’m facing it…

So go on… change people as much as you want, cut them out of your life and find new people….

Until you realize… everybody will hurt you in one way or another..

Until you realize… you can’t avoid pain…

Until you realize…. happiness is all around you… you just didn’t see it yet….

You were busy finding it… creating it… in one way or another… outside yourself

Don’t make other people responsible for your happiness… or your own pain…

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